There are some interesting issues to being poly and a slut, especially since I am friends with many folks who aren't ... aren't sluts, that is.
I tend to go through periods of relative prudery followed by times of, er ... downright naughtiness. This past weekend was one of those naughty times. And though I am not going to go into details (oh, woe is you), I did learn some interesting things.
I have friends, men and women, mono or not, that *compliment* me on my ability to integrate my sexuality into my personality, that appreciate that i can be freely sexual without (many) hangups. I have deeply meaningful sex with people who mean the world to me. But I don't feel guilty for having sex, just for fun, with people I like. It is a different type of experience. And if guilt isn't brought into it, sex for fun can be a wonderful thing!
I admit it. I like sex. I have worked through issues of insecurity in the past and don't use sex to bolster a limping self-esteem. I have interesting adventures. I consider it a method of sharing with people I am attracted to. As a bonus, I get to learn lots about the people I do chose to play with. You can tell a lot about a personality while rolling around with them ... things you might never learn in conversation. ;)
I really enjoyed my weekend. I wouldn't be able to do that kind of thing every weekend because my life needs balance. I am NOT all about sex. But being able to revel in some yummy lovin' and adventure on occassion is very, VERY fun. I mean really, the situation I was being plied with was damned near impossible for any red-blooded American girl to resist.
As a result, some of my friends feel I "get around". That is true. I do what I like, and who, I suppose. For *me*, its better than not getting around ... sitting still, stationary, if you will. I have no problem with admitting to myself that slutdom isn't for everyone. I feel happy that my monogamous friends are monogamous. I have no desire to put them down and call their lifestyle "boring", or them "prudish" or anything like that, because it ISN'T. It is what they want to do, it is part of their personality that makes them who they are. If I love them ... I respect their choices, as it is part of them. I mean, I like beer. I have one or two. But some of my friends drink a twelve pack. I don't tell them they drink too much, because I don't know what too much is for *them*. So, I "get around" and I hope they say it fondly. :D
I pride myself on being an ethical slut. I don't sleep with other peoples girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, or wives without permission. [I did kiss a married guy once ... and it had dire consequences (damaged their relationship, lost them as friends to me, and made me feel like the ass I was).] I religiously practice safe sex and get tested regularly, so as not to be a vector for STD's. I don't tell people I am after one thing, when I am actually after another. I am honest about who I am.
This is starting to sound like I am defending myself. And, I guess I am a little. A few things folks have said to me lately makes me think that they think I am indescriminate in choosing lovers, that anyone will do. That couldn't be more false. It takes a lot to get on my radar. Certainly, I am less descriminant than some, and perhaps my qualifiers are different than theirs. I couldn't imagine narrowing the field down to *one*, for instance. But shit ... no, you "can't be next", and don't bother "sending in the team".
So to the point: the people on this tribe are friends of mine, lovers, acquaintances. Some are sluts, some not. Answer me a question. What can be the downsides and upsides of being a slut *to you*? How would you handle the inevitable barbs thrown your way? Do you think they might be deserved? Do you feel that some folks are slutty sluts and others are not? What is the difference to you?
I realize that I have put the question to you all after personalizing it quite a bit. But, I mostly did that for context. I want you all to know that I would like to have a non-personalized discussion here, perhaps even something *gasp* intellectual in nature. Anyone game?
*hugskisses*
k
I tend to go through periods of relative prudery followed by times of, er ... downright naughtiness. This past weekend was one of those naughty times. And though I am not going to go into details (oh, woe is you), I did learn some interesting things.
I have friends, men and women, mono or not, that *compliment* me on my ability to integrate my sexuality into my personality, that appreciate that i can be freely sexual without (many) hangups. I have deeply meaningful sex with people who mean the world to me. But I don't feel guilty for having sex, just for fun, with people I like. It is a different type of experience. And if guilt isn't brought into it, sex for fun can be a wonderful thing!
I admit it. I like sex. I have worked through issues of insecurity in the past and don't use sex to bolster a limping self-esteem. I have interesting adventures. I consider it a method of sharing with people I am attracted to. As a bonus, I get to learn lots about the people I do chose to play with. You can tell a lot about a personality while rolling around with them ... things you might never learn in conversation. ;)
I really enjoyed my weekend. I wouldn't be able to do that kind of thing every weekend because my life needs balance. I am NOT all about sex. But being able to revel in some yummy lovin' and adventure on occassion is very, VERY fun. I mean really, the situation I was being plied with was damned near impossible for any red-blooded American girl to resist.
As a result, some of my friends feel I "get around". That is true. I do what I like, and who, I suppose. For *me*, its better than not getting around ... sitting still, stationary, if you will. I have no problem with admitting to myself that slutdom isn't for everyone. I feel happy that my monogamous friends are monogamous. I have no desire to put them down and call their lifestyle "boring", or them "prudish" or anything like that, because it ISN'T. It is what they want to do, it is part of their personality that makes them who they are. If I love them ... I respect their choices, as it is part of them. I mean, I like beer. I have one or two. But some of my friends drink a twelve pack. I don't tell them they drink too much, because I don't know what too much is for *them*. So, I "get around" and I hope they say it fondly. :D
I pride myself on being an ethical slut. I don't sleep with other peoples girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, or wives without permission. [I did kiss a married guy once ... and it had dire consequences (damaged their relationship, lost them as friends to me, and made me feel like the ass I was).] I religiously practice safe sex and get tested regularly, so as not to be a vector for STD's. I don't tell people I am after one thing, when I am actually after another. I am honest about who I am.
This is starting to sound like I am defending myself. And, I guess I am a little. A few things folks have said to me lately makes me think that they think I am indescriminate in choosing lovers, that anyone will do. That couldn't be more false. It takes a lot to get on my radar. Certainly, I am less descriminant than some, and perhaps my qualifiers are different than theirs. I couldn't imagine narrowing the field down to *one*, for instance. But shit ... no, you "can't be next", and don't bother "sending in the team".
So to the point: the people on this tribe are friends of mine, lovers, acquaintances. Some are sluts, some not. Answer me a question. What can be the downsides and upsides of being a slut *to you*? How would you handle the inevitable barbs thrown your way? Do you think they might be deserved? Do you feel that some folks are slutty sluts and others are not? What is the difference to you?
I realize that I have put the question to you all after personalizing it quite a bit. But, I mostly did that for context. I want you all to know that I would like to have a non-personalized discussion here, perhaps even something *gasp* intellectual in nature. Anyone game?
*hugskisses*
k
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SF Bay Area
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Wed, November 17, 2004 - 4:58 PMI have dwelled often on the meaning and essence of slut. It is an intensely loaded word with a lot of different connotations for different people.
For a long time I refused to use the word, especially in the way that other men would often use it to negatively describe a promiscuous woman. I have a automatic negative reaction to people judging others based on their sexual activity. It especially irritates me that men so often have such a double standard around the word: active women are sluts, active men are studs.
Over the past few years I have heard more and more people using the term in a more positive way, incuding more and more men. I also read the Ethical Slut which opened some new viewpoints for me.
I think that I have been a wanna-be slut for a long time, but something keeps stopping me from going all the way. Part of it is fear, shyness and anxiety, but there is something else there I'm trying to uncover. Perhaps buried under all my Catholic repression I'll find my true inner slut. I should get back to digging.
T.
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Unsu...
Re: On being a Slut ...
Wed, November 17, 2004 - 5:00 PMAt the age of 34, I have had two long monogamous relationships
(7 years cohabitation 1988-95, 4 years 1996-2000). I decided
that I was more comfortable in a more poly oriented world, but
soon found that a) dating sucks; b) there are more definitions
of poly than you can shake a stick (or anything else) at.
In a relatively regular reaction to (a), I have been celibate
several times in the last four years since my last long term
monogamous relationship -- about four times, for 2 to 6
months. Effectively, I've been single/dating only for about
2.5 years since graduating high school 16 years ago.
Dating still sucks. I don't consider myself to be a slut,
or even poly (unless I am actually in a relationship)
but I have come up with some parameters for myself:
* no sex is better than bad sex.
* I can do *that* for myself -- you better have a really
good reason why I should let you in on it.
* I'm not interested in sexual play with everyone I know
but flirting sure is damned fun! I just don't feel the need
to get to know people's personalities in that way.
Dating as poly can be very complicated. I like things
less complicated (hence the dramatic drop in my sex
life and dating since early August).
I have found that some people who I have genuinely
liked were really after me only for sex -- and that is really
a bummer because once you go there, then there is no
friendship. Not that, if they just wanted sex, there was
actually a friendship but you know what I mean. I wish
people would just be up front about what they are seeking.
I once dated a boy with the name of a dog who said that
he preferred using sex to communicate with women (but
hey, conversation with men is still ok?). I think that was
a crock.
Um. My point. Hrm. Well, to each his/her own, I guess.
I think it is good that you are open with who you are,
what you are seeking and expect in these kinds of
situations.
Personally, I have found that having sexual relations
with people tends to complicate things. I like to keep
a balance in my relations with other people and, well,
I guess I'm not good to be talking about this since I just
haven't had a libido for the last couple of months.
I'll just sign off now. -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Wed, November 17, 2004 - 7:11 PMthanks jenn, my responses below are only to highlight why i feel differently than you on these issues, not to seem like i disagree with how you are running your life ... :D
* no sex is better than bad sex.
i am not having bad sex. in fact, i am having the best sex i have ever had. i can be playful and relaxed and the sex is fun and rewarding for all involved. this isn't a problem.
* I can do *that* for myself -- you better have a really
good reason why I should let you in on it.
well most people can have an orgasm by themselves and that IS great. but having sex with someone is not masturbation. touch and interaction with another person cannot be compared to fantasizing to an orgasm. they are just too different, each with their own time and place. if i want an orgasm or release i will masturbate. if i want contact and intimacy i will have sex.
* I'm not interested in sexual play with everyone I know
but flirting sure is damned fun! I just don't feel the need
to get to know people's personalities in that way.
neither am *I* interested in play with everyone i know. you and i talked about this at home, that there is a common perception that folks who are poly OR sluts tend to want sexual relationships with everyone around them. it isn't true. even though i know it is a pitfall of the type of life i lead (and am willing to deal with it with strangers), it is more difficult when people i consider my friends make these same types of assumptions.
so, how to deal with this or at least improve the situation? -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Wed, November 17, 2004 - 9:10 PMHey K - well, I didn't intend to put you on the defensive.
Like I said, those are just things that I have figured out for myself.
I don't really find sex to be a form of communication -- with
people with whom I don't already have good non-sexual
communication, anyway. With everyone else, well, it is just
play.
As to how to deal with it or improve the situation - I have no
idea. There are plenty of people who think that I am a slut
and a threat to their friend circles because of how they
perceive my appearance or my relationship(s) with certain
people.
I don't imagine there isn't much to do to change that
perception -- so I just try to not let it bug me and do my
own thing with as much openness, honesty and integrity
as I can muster.
I have lost friends over the last 4 years who were shocked
at the idea that I was dating/fucking people who are married.
This pains me -- and one person in particular won't even
talk to me about why she won't talk to me after our last
very brief conversation which touched on the subject.
And, if you are not having any bad sex, then - GOOD FOR
YOU! And to hell with what people think. You are definitely
in the minority of Americans. I've had plenty of boring or
uninteresting sex -- my definition of "bad" -- with partners
who weren't interested in my needs, not being open or honest
about what they wanted or whatever. I think that's a bigger
issue than the other -- how to cure the problem of Bad Sex
in America.
ha! -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Wed, November 17, 2004 - 9:24 PMHmmm....maybe taking sex ed to a whole new level?
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Thu, November 18, 2004 - 10:44 AMI've been in a non-monagamous relationship for over a year now and I still feel new at this. When I was married and sexually unsatisfied I met a few people who were happily poly and found the idea fascinating. I even broached the subject of trying poly with my now ex. There was no way he was willing to try it, and we finally parted ways. I've found that non-monogamy is far more difficult for me emotionally than I'd imagined. Poly, at least in the sense of multiple romantic relationships, doesn't seem to work for me at all.
Flirting is great fun, and I'm doing a lot more of it than I used to. However flirting with poly people and swingers sometimes feels like a dangerous game when I don't feel like taking it further than flirting.
Playing is great fun too, and I've had some incredible experiences that I never would've had in a monogamous relationship. I've had some pretty amazing sex, and learned things about myself as a sexual person that I wouldn't have learned with only one partner.
The friendship I have with someone after I've played with them sometimes feels very awkward to me. In some cases, I sense an expectation from the person I've played with that I'm not prepared to meet. I save my romantic love for one person only. Sex with a friend does not make them part of my "poly family," nor does it necessarily mean that they can expect sex from me in the future. It does not mean that I'll say "I love you." A good friendship can become an even better one through a sexual connection. But in most cases, a casual friendship doesn't become a deep friendship because of a sexual encounter. Somehow it often feels like it *should*. -
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Unsu...
Re: On being a Slut ...
Thu, November 18, 2004 - 12:14 PMNicely put -- I think that the last paragraph reflects some of my experiences as well. Not the saving my romantic love part though. -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Thu, November 18, 2004 - 1:03 PMIf I may add my uninvited 2 cents. The best relationship I have had were open relationships. I have a great respect for a woman that can state up front that they cannot handle a monogamous relationship and lets you know when they intend to “slut around” with someone else. I don’t really find anything sluty about knowing your sexual needs. I know that an open relastionship is what I myself need, monogamy doesn't work for me.
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Thu, November 18, 2004 - 4:03 PMI've had a few other thoughts on this after re-reading your initial post.
I haven't had too many barbs thrown at me about this, which I think is a large part of what you're dealing with Kristie. My non-poly, non-swinger friends usually assume that my relationship is monogamous, and I don't bother telling them otherwise. And among my poly and swinger friends, I'm probably less slutty than most.
I was recently "outed" so to speak to some close friends who didn't know about that part of my life. To my surprise, they haven't judged me or said anything negative to me and I love them for that. I am annoyed that people who know I'm not monogamous assume that I don't value privacy.
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 7:58 AMThanks Caerthann!
I really like the way you put your last paragraph too. The awkwardness after playing with a friend can be a little wierd, but I have tried fixing that before the sex actually happens (or very soon after) with a warning about what to expect (or not) in the future.
For me, a casual friendship doesn't become deeper because I share sex. But there *is* an additional bond - a conspiratorial fondness - that I feel for them. This isn't love or anything like that, it is just a new and different dimension to the existing relationship.
But that is me ... sometimes the friends I have had sex with don't get the message and things get complicated. I hate to have to adjust a perfectly good friendship because I misjudged whether or not they could be casual with me. THAT sucks.
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Thu, November 18, 2004 - 3:34 PMI am significantly a slut, so yeah. This is interesting. I know that I am still going through the post-relationship slutting around. I sincerely doubt that I am going to be as big of a slut forever. For one thing, Jesus this takes up a lot of time. I have already noticed a trailing off of pursuing people. I have two really awesome partners that I don't get to spend enough time with and a variety of friends that I really enjoy being intimate with. I am probably good for a while.
The downsides include: People who expect me to fuck them if I agree to have dinner with them. This really really *really* bothers me. No. I don't actually fuck everyone I know/meet no matter how it appears. I go on many dates that don't involve sex so back off. I don't have enough time to spend time with everyone I want to spend time with. I dislike it that when I tell people "I want you to be occasional" that they think that means every other Saturday instead of every Saturday. No. It really means like once every 3-6 months when it happens to work out. No, I am not going to make you a big part of my life.
Upsides: I get all the sex I want. This is a bigger deal than it sounds. I have had significant problems with partners not wanting sex as much as I do. I like being able to bond with my friends in a sexual way. For the past 4 years that I have been in the bdsm scene I have 'played' with most of the people I am close to. I haven't had sex with them, but there was sexual bonding and that is a big deal to me. Sex has always been a bigger part of my self identity than it is for many/most people. I started having sex very young and I was often criticized for wanting sex. I'm very happy to have a support network that is tolerant/supportive/encouraging of my sexuality.
I handle the barbs differently depending on who is saying/doing it. From strangers I generally brush it off. From my family--yeah, whatever. From friends, it hurts. Although it hurts more or less depending on what kind of person I know they are. I don't deal with it very well. I get my feelings hurt. I cry. Sometimes I stop talking to the person for a while. Sometimes I stop the behavior because I can't handle the censure. :( I dislike feeling like I have to change who I am though. Sometimes the barbs are deserved, usually not. Usually they are motivated by jealousy, concern, ignorance, or feeling left out. I try to take where they are coming from into consideration, but I don't have the greatest self image and I get upset when I shouldn't.
Some folks are much sluttier sluts than others. I, for example, am much more slutty than most. heh. I choose to have sex with many more people than most. I choose to have sex more quickly sometimes. I have very different standards for who I will: a)have sex with once but not be friends with b)be friends with c)be friends with and have sex with d)have a relationship with. Because I am willing to have sex with people I won't be friends with some people really look down on me. *shrug* I think there are many levels of relationships and it's ok that not everyone hits every level of importance. I will also have a relationship that is only going to be a 'secondary' relationship with no interest in having it become more. *shrug*
I can't do non-personal about stuff like this. It is entirely personal. *smooch* -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 8:34 AMahhh Krissy,
i knew i would like your response to this. you have hit on so many of the issues that piss me off.
the expectation! take me out and get laid?? um, nope. i am just like any other gal. for me to "date" someone regularly, i need some chemistry. serious chemistry. meeting someone new with that aspect to them has only happened three times in the past year. three. oops, four ... i forgot to count girls.
the barbs ... yeah, i handle these differently too. strangers ... whatever. if in a sadistic mood i mess with their heads, if not, i ignore them. family ... i try to be gentle with my parents and sister. the rest of them fear for my soul and chase me with bibles. i have to put up with their nonsense, so i figure, they can put up with mine. its my friends that can hurt my feelings. i think because i had an expectation of understanding there. and the barbs are some evidence that that acceptance either is not there or is not as strong as i hoped.
whatever the comment is ... it hurts because of that perceived lack of understanding. but some comments themselves hurt beyond that depending on the implications in the words.
for example: "she gets around" as a comment itself doesn't bother me that much. i do get around. i choose who i play with or allow myself to be seduced. there are no implications beyond the one that i sleep with more people than they do, and i don't take offense to that (unless i think that they actually sleep with more people than i, because then they are just being misleading).
on the other hand: "send in the team" or "move to a mens campus" comments REALLY REALLY hurt me when they are from friends. friends tend to be around me a lot. do i really appear THAT indescriminate? perhaps they aren't paying attention or they caught me on a naughty day. i can usually NOT cry in front of them ... but sure as shit ... i will later. i admit to liking my sex, but i don't think i have put out anywhere that i just have a line out my door.
the effect however, is not for me to change my behavior. i might not be as close to those friends in the future. are they really my friends? if they are really my friends ... they may have just said it wrong and didn't mean the slight that i heard ... i can give a benefit of the doubt. either way, i am not going to change who i am to fit someone else's idea of what is right. i have worked too hard to figure out what makes me happy, and how to fulfill myself in an ethical and honest way, to throw that all away on what someone else thinks would make me happy.
yeah krissy ... the content is ultimately personal. but as long as we aren't attacking each other for who they are ... it isn't *personal*. :D -
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Unsu...
Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 9:07 AMYou know, I think that the quid pro quo (dinner/sex) doesn't only apply to people the inviter perceives as sluts -- I think it's a fairly common expectation for men.
The "send in the team" and "men's campus" types of comments are by far the most injudicious kinds of comments and the speaker should be called on it if you want to preserve your friendship. -
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Unsu...
Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 10:27 AMI would say that you are for the most part correct about the men. I have also found the reverse to be true of many women, however. I have found that many women expect that if they are sleeping with you that you are paying for everything.
Silliness has no gender.
And yes, anyone using those terms, seems to me, is most likely jealous or intolerant.
And quite frankly, I have sex with one, two, and many variations of multiple partners, and, while the multiples are fun, I prefer the power and intensity of one-on-one connection.
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 10:43 AMPeople often make judgments about other peoples behavior based on their own fears and insecurities. It sucks when they are projecting that on you. When I hear people making these kinds of small minded judgments I immediately wonder why they are so threatened.
It is one thing for men to make comments about women being sluts, I don't expect much more from most men. What really bothers me is when other women call some woman a slut because of her behavior. There is a lot of potential power in a woman's sexuality. When one woman is especially 'powerful' it can be threatening to other women who feel the need to attack and bring the 'powerful' woman down. Women often deride men's excessive competitiveness, but in the arena of sexual and social power some can be cut throat, even while it supports patriarchal values. -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 1:48 PMWow. I seriously object to the statement, "I don't expect much more from most men."
You should. It isn't ok to hold men and women to different standards. People are people. It is not more acceptable for men to slam women than for women to slam women. Negative judgment sucks no matter who is doing it to who.
<insert warm snugglies here cause I like MonkeyBoi; I just needed to state that I don't agree with something he said.> -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 3:00 PMKrissy, thank you for expressing your feelings and disagreeing with me ;-) I value that.
Please let me clarify my statement above that "I don't expect much more from most men."
When I say 'most' men I am referring to the majority of men in America. I have some 'acquaintances' that would fit in this category, but my male 'friends' do not. In fact I would say that that is an important criteria for a male to be my friend and is a primary reason I don't hang around with more guys. Or maybe I don't hang around with more guys because I don't watch ballgames and smash beer cans against my forehead (it could also be my high estrogen levels and hanging around so many gay people as a teenager, but that is another story)
I don't like to have unrealistic expectations (you know the saying: "expectations are premeditated resentments") because I don't like projecting my own desires on to others and I don't like being disappointed. I may not 'expect' much from other men, but I am always hopeful and ready to support or encourage positive change. I'm just not holding my breath.
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 3:23 PMThat is fair and valid. :) You present and defend your case well. Go you! :)
"I may not 'expect' much from other men, but I am always hopeful and ready to support or encourage positive change."
I wish I were better at this. I have too many expectations and then I get let down. I'm not always good at supporting or encouraging positive change either. I am too judgmental. erf. Character flaws.
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Unsu...
Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 10:17 AMChalk me up as one who compliments you on your ability to integrate the sexual aspects of your personality into your life in such a positive and, in my opinion, healthy way.
I am incredibly sexual by design, intention, and action. Though many who don't know me well won't understand that. I am not a big fan of the word "slut", mostly due to it's negative connotations in society. I think, also that if more people were sexually free with themselves, that it would be a more relaxed, less-angry society. We live in an amazing cultural bubble here in our Bay. And I am glad for it.
I am almost always open to sex, yet almost never initiate it for myself. I am all about setting up scenarios adn throwing other people together. Sex is wonderful, whether its me having it or not. I like it when my friends are happy. All to often, as a male, it is perceived through teh lenses of past unpleasant experiences. I prefer to let things happen if they do adn enjy it when they do. I am a very touchy feely person, though. I really like to touch feel and make physical contact with the people around me. But, I am always careful to make it good touch.
I do have a great deal of sex, typically. And am called a number of names playfully by my friends, and scornfully by my family. I have a rep. Sex ius very important to me, and I take great pride in my attitude and competence in that area.
I, therefore find it hard to tolerate the judgement of people who don't seem to understand the ease at which I engage in, think about, talk about, and enjoy sex. I don't need it, have to have it, or become upset if I don't get it.
Actually that last one has gotten me more sex than anything else, I swear. If the person I am with says they don't want to have sex, I am never upset. Why would I be? I never spend time with someone because I want to have sex with them. I spend time with people to spend time with them.
I grew up in a very sexually open and honest household. We were always open about sex and I talked openly about sex with my Mother adn Step-father all the time. I was raised to believe it was a healthy, important part of life. Which I firmly believe. ANd encourage my sons to believe, as well.
I totally agree with you about how much more you learn about someone through a sexual connection. I have incredibly deep, intimate friendships because we have connected on that physical adn emotional level. I also find that I open up to people that I am intimate with in ways I do not normally. It's a trust thing, I think.
Yet, I don't have sex with everyone. Nor do I have sex with everyone who wants to sleep with me. There are a great many people that I feel I would not be able to be sexual with and remain comfortable with. Also, I have a great many friends I am happy with at our current level of friendship. I LIKE the way we interact and the way we joke and the lack of overt sexuality. All that can change with sex, and why would I want to do that?
I like the hedonistic periods of my life, but they tend to burn me out. I have spent weeks on end having sex every night, but then go through long periods afterwards feeling like the act becomes hollow.
I think sex is one of the most amazing aspects of life. Why would it feel so good, if we weren't meant to do it a LOT. -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 10:19 AM"Why would it feel so good, if we weren't meant to do it a LOT."
Very true!
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 11:49 AMI am a big slut. I often use the word deliberately to reclaim it from those who use it hatefully / scornfully (just like our queer cousins-in-non-mainstream-sexuality use faggot and dyke etc. in ways that often make me flinch).
Lots of "what he/she said" for me w.r.t. previous posters.
For me the biggest downside to my perceived sluthood is the perception that a slut doesn't want / can't have meaningful relationships. I obviously can't speak for all sluts, but virtually all of the (ethical) sluts I know crave meaningful relationships more than the non-sluts I know, and invest far more of their emotional energy & time into caring for others and thinking about the nature and meaning of relationships than non-sluts. I know I do. -
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 1:40 PMYour all a bunch of Ho-Dog Sluts.....Pot Kettle , I know
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 1:45 PMI think it is dangerous to ever say, "X group is more/craves more/blah more than Y group." Nothing is that easy.
That said, I think that in my experience I have seen more people who claim the title of slut who put lots of energy into relationships than people who do not claim the word. I think part of it has to do with priorities and time. People who claim the word "slut" or who will grudgingly say that it can somewhat define them, tend to be people who choose to focus a lot of their time and energy on sex and relationships. I think of this as placing a higher priority on relationships.
For example: during my previous ltr my partner and I were monogamous throughout almost all of it. I was still a slut. I have been a slut since I was pretty young. I just new that I was on vacation from active sluttery; the qualifier was still applicable even when I wasn't having sex with many people. My partner has not ever been a slut and will not ever be a slut. I place my relationships with people as the very first priority in my life. This is causing problems for me as I struggle with grad school. People, and my relationships with them, are more important to me than a job, school, any material thing will ever be. It is why I will never have much money. :) Whereas my partner placed his job as much higher on the priority scale. He has only three or four friends and he generally speaks to one of them around every six to eight weeks. He didn't put much more energy into his relationship with me. (I wonder why we had problems.)
So... I had a point somewhere.... (Scan up...) Yeah. My point was that in my experience, which is only worth so much, people who place a high value on relationships tend to be pretty comfortable with the words 'slut' and I think part of the negative attitude towards sluts is a manifestation of people in general putting down other people for having different priorities.
I guess I'm just agreeing with James. I'll stop now.
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Re: On being a Slut ...
Fri, November 19, 2004 - 1:57 PMOddly enough, I have received the most grief not from "straight" friends, but from other ploy sluts. I have had self proclaimed ethical sluts acts in pretty unethical ways because I happened to sleep with thier friends, or because of silly assumptions about my motives based on fancy not fact.
So no, just saying you are a good poly slut will not get me to fall in bed with you. Too often people see me being affectionate with multiple people in a group and think that means they can come on as strong as they like. Somehow it doesn't occur to some that I have chosen to have an intimate relationship with these select people based on my knowing them and liking what I see.
I very rarely sleep with people I just met. I've been there, done that. Whats the point anyway, when I have some wonderful lovers already? And that brings me to a major benefit of sluthood: a feeling of emotional and sexual abundance that allows you the chance to take things slower with new relationships and allow them to develop in their own unique ways. If someone is trying to rush or pressure me or turns me off to them for whatever reason, well, thats not my thing so ta ta, I'll just go fuck my boyfriend now.
I guess what I am saying is I feel like I have a much better conception of my own needs and desires, and I am selfish and stubborn enough to want to be as happy as I possibly can. (Luckily, making other people happy makes me happy, so I never use my powers for evil.) ;) I can pick and choose my partners and still have as much sex, intimacy, and all the rest as I can possibly stand. All in all, I find it a good way to live.
