Cool Quotes

Here - roll this around your head. Margret was out and I was standing in the kitchen making myself a cup of tea. As I returned the milk to the fridge, I noticed a tub of coleslaw. Now, I didn't want to eat a whole tub of coleslaw capriciously at 11 a.m. - a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, right? - but I fancied a quick spoonful. So (speedily - so as to shield my resolution) I got a spoon from the drawer, snatched the tub from the fridge, popped off the lid, and hurled a dollop into my mouth.

I then made the kind of face you'd see on someone who was standing in a wind tunnel having the hairs pulled from their legs.

Mouth wide as a mediaeval gargoyle, I sped to the bin, trying to keep the coleslaw from touching any part of my palate not already contaminated. Then I swilled out with a gallon and a half of water, and ate some salami. That done, I edged back to the coleslaw tub once more. I opened the lid and was intending to sniff the contents but, once I got within a foot of them, they reared up and savaged my nose. This, I had no doubt, was how the Black Death must have smelt. I put the lid back on, sealed it tight, carried it from the house, and buried it, covered withlime, in unconsecrated ground.

OK, fair enough.

In the evening, when I'm in the kitchen again - unaccountably, not pallid, sweating and clutching my abdomen with one hand while pointing jerkily at monsters from the id with the other - Margret comes in. She opens the fridge to put something away and, as she's closing it, asks, 'Did you try that coleslaw?' Still not yet up to reliving my experience, I confirm that I did with a simple, 'Hmmm.' And then she says,

AND THEN SHE SAYS,

'Was it still off?'

"Still" off? Can you imagine that? She'd known it was off when she put it in the fridge. She wasn't trying to preserve the stuff: she put it in the fridge to convalesce. 'Ew - this product appears to be rotten. I'll just place it in the fridge where - who knows? - the laws of the universe may well operate in reverse.' But, of course, though Margret is demonstrably insane, she's certainly no fool. There can be no doubt that she was fully relying on my unknowing role in her little experiment to see if time went backwards at 4°C. You think she was going to try it, ever, to see if it was 'still' off, or just bide her time until I did?

I'm a canary.

Mil.

ok this one is a joke. so sue me.

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He was playing with his toys in his Granny's bedroom while grandma was dusting her furniture.

He looked up and said, "Granny, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in bed and watch it all day long if I want to. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh.

I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible.

She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

Just then the little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he did, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yea, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

*silly, i know*

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead, his eyes are closed."
- Albert Einstein

Here's one of mine. Nelson Mandela quoted it during his inaugural address, and it is often attributed to him, but Marianne Williamson actually said it first...


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous ? Actually, who are you not to be ? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. You are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

A cool definition of success:

"Success is living a full and balanced life in partnership with others to create a joyful feelig of love, contribution, appreciation, and abundance, despite how our endeavors may turn out."

~Anonymous

Ruth Rendell:

"Selfishness is not living way you want to live, but expecting others to live the way you want to live."

another joke, but i can't help it:

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?". Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

another joke ... this one was *supposedly* supposed to have been sent out as a memo in all seriousness ... but, truly, i just can't possibly be. but it is still funny.



Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse

balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

This has been running the circles of academia for eons, but someone just posted it in one of my tribes. It still makes me chuckle.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

The following is a question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.


Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.


Therefore, no souls are leaving.


As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.


As there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls will go to Hell.


So with birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase and to do so exponentially.


Now, if we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


And this gives us two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which all the souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a date with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.


The student received the only "A" given.

The aim of the High is to remain where they are. The aim of the Middle is to change places with the High. The aim of the Low, when they have an aim -- for it is an abiding characteristic of the Low that they are too much crushed by drudgery to be more than intermittenly conscious of anything outside their daily lives -- is to abolish all distinctions and create a society in which all men shall be equal.

-From the book 1984 by George Orwell

ok i just started reading dan savage's:
skipping to gomorrah, the seven deadly sins and the pursuit of happiness in america

i don't normally read pop stuff like this but the very first paragraphs had me laughing and now i am through the introduction.

there were several really good quotes from him and other people in the intro and i wanted to record them so they would be easier for me to remember. i might also as well share them with the rest of you:

"Our virtues are most frequently but vices disguised." La Rochefoucauld (1665)

"There are millions of ethical, fully moral sinners in America, and I've grown sick of listening to the right wing bitch and moan about them while the left wing refuses to defend them. No one sticks up for the sinners - not even the sinners themselves. Some of the best Americans I know are sinners, but they lack the necessary conviction to defend themselves, their sins, and their right to be sinners." Dan Savage (2002)

more later ... i am trying to juggle too many things right now!

ok this longass hilarious thing i totally stole off craigslist. but it was written so well and voiced so many of my same opinions i had to grab it for all time:

from The Cranky Jew:

I’ll probably get flamed for this, but it has to be said:

I hate Christmas.

Everything about the Christmas season irritates me. Especially the fact that it has become a fucking season. It’s not enough to conquer continents … now we’re laying claim to whole seasons, eh? Typical. Do we really have to start celebrating this holiday in October? And continue celebrating it until New Years? No wonder you all get depressed around this time … Christmas eats up 20% of your year. I don’t know where you get the stamina for it. I sure don’t – and I’m Jewish.

Not that a pesky detail like that should matter. No, you make sure that the whole damn country is along for the Christmas ride, whether we like it or not. “It’s Christmas All Over the World” is your fucking instruction manual. You make it impossible to avoid. Most annoying thing about Christmas? There are so many to choose from that it’s hard pick the worst offender, but the Christmas music is definitely a top contender. Do any of you actually like that shlock? I feel sorry for people in retail this time of year. Thirty minutes at the GAP and I want to crawl out of my skin. If I had to listen to that shit all day long I’d shoot someone. (And can someone please tell me why every store has to suddenly stink like a cheap scented candle?)

But hey, if you want to listen to that inane drivel day in, day out for two months -- to each his own. But why does it have to become the soundtrack of our collective lives twenty-four hours a day? Most Wonderful Time of the Year my ass. Nothing is safe from its reach. Restaurants, shopping centers, movie theatres, offices … you’re even piping that shit into parking lots now. And I’m so glad you did -- because I forgot it was Christmas! Thanks for reminding me! For fuck’s sake, I can be doing my grocery shopping and listening to the muzak version of Silent Night. Christians, if that doesn’t shame you, then I’ll feel embarrassed on your behalf.

If you listen to Christmas music for more than two consecutive hours in any given day, I think it triggers chemical changes in the brain (the time period shortens to one hour if the musical selection includes Mariah Carey), causing temporary insanity. How else do you explain Christmas sweaters? The saddest part is that you put on that hideous thing in the morning, check yourself out in the mirror before leaving the house, and think to yourself, “Yeah, I look good.” You don’t. Really. No one looks good in a Christmas sweater. Take it off and dispose of it immediately, preferably by burning it.

And the decorations … man oh man. Christians have come up with some really creative ways to nastify their homes. Okay, okay -- candles in the windows are pretty, and lights are nice in moderation. A little holly and mistletoe never hurt anyone. But there is a line. And that line falls somewhere between, oh, the third Christmas tree you put up in your home, and the life-sized, mechanical Santa waving from your roof to the ten motorized reindeer grazing on your lawn. (On the day when one of you falls off your roof installing your Santa, I will not feel sorry for you at all. If you are disfigured in some way by your fall, let it be a lifelong reminder of your bad taste. I hope your reindeer short circuits in a rainstorm and electrifies you too.)

Every year, there is a point when I think to myself, “Alright, THAT is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen -- the holy grail of bad Christmas decorations. You can’t top that.” But Christian America, you always manage to outdo yourself. The list of tacky is inexhaustible! It’s impressive, really. If tacky were an Olympic competition, you would even get high marks from the German judges. As much as I admire your dedication to the sport, though, I’d like to offer a few guidelines to help you take your first steps this year towards what is called “taste.” When shopping for decorations to plaster over your home, keep the following in mind:

1. Anything over six feet tall should be avoided.

2. Refrain from inflatable decorations.

3. If you own anything that is over six feet tall AND inflatable, you deserve a slow death.

4. The same goes for anything that is motorized or talks.

5. If the amount of electricity being supplied to your lawn could power three or more carnival rides, you might want to think about scaling back.

6. Please, no nativity scenes displayed outside of any building that is not a church. (Doesn’t your savior deserve a more hallowed spot than the grassy knoll usually occupied by your garden gnomes?)

7. If you must have a nativity scene, stick to the script. Only a few characters are supposed to be at the manger, and we all know who they are. My old neighbors used to throw a few Disney characters into the mix. When the baby Jesus is visited by the Three Wise Smurfs, you’ve taken a very wrong turn.

And what do Jews hate more than Christmas decorations? That’s right, folks: Hanukah decorations. Newsflash: Jews don’t decorate for holidays. A good gentile rule of thumb: Can you spell it? (draydul? dreydil?) No? Then don’t buy it. So put down the tinfoil stars and the electric menorah. You are doing an excellent job of cheapening your own holidays. Leave mine the fuck alone.

Incidentally, let me clear something up. Jews do not put up Christmas trees. So stop asking. (I know someone out there will retort with, “I’m Jewish and I put up a tree,” and to you I say: You are confused.) And yes, on Christmas, a lot of us do go to the movies and out for Chinese food, because everything else is closed for two days … because, you know, the world stops turning on Christmas.

I guess all this is to say, not that I truly hate your holiday, but that it’s a real shame what’s happened to it. I’m tired of hearing that I should put up a tree and give Christmas cards and my mom should have taken me to see the mall Santa as a kid and don’t you feel the Christmas spirit? because it’s a secular holiday anyway. No, it’s not a secular holiday. Hey, remember that Jesus guy? I do, and that’s why I won’t devalue it. Would it be okay if we all just decided to give Ramadan a whirl, or wear a bindi because it looks cool? No. And what’s horrible is that I just spent the last hour and a half ranting about Christmas without hardly mentioning Jesus. I know some people are less observant so it doesn’t have as much religious meaning for them, and that’s fine. Celebrate however you want. But why demand that everyone *else* participate in the holiday, too? It generates so much Christmas white noise that it doesn't seem to be about anything for anyone anymore. Well, I know what it’s about, and I also know that it’s one of the two most important Christian holidays, which still has value for some of you. I’ll respect that, even if you don’t.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled flaming.

Merry Christmas,

Cranky Jew

"Curiosity can do more things than kill a cat; and if emotions, well recognized as feminie, are inimical to feline life, then jealousy would soon leave the whole world catless."

- "Schools and Schools", O. Henry

Never use absolutes; they are always wrong.

I made up a quote for my sig that I'm proud of:

"I no longer experiment with drugs; I know which ones I like."

"There's not, a word yet,
for old friends... who've just met"

- Gonzo "I'm going to go back there some day" (The Muppet Movie)


damn I miss Jim **sniffle**

---
rodent (putting the eek in geek)

I've got this friend. For the sake of discretion, let's call her Emma, and her partner can be Juan. And let's say they live in, oh - Penzance; rather than where they actually live - which is North London. So, my friend tells a story of the moment when, after five years together, she finally knew that it was over. Juan's formerly near-constant sexual desire for her was now far less frequent, and far more moderated by the television schedules. It was almost as though their sex life had to be vetted by TV Choice.

So, she secretly does a striptease course. She trains herself in the Art of the Thong, gets an outfit, and then glides into the room one evening while he's sitting there watching BBC 2.

She begins.

He glances at her absently. At last - when she's wearing nothing but an exasperated expression and a couple of tassels - she says, "Well?"

"What?" he asks.

"What do you mean, 'What?'? I'm here. You're in, mate. I can't really make it more obvious than this."

"Oh, right... Can't you wait a bit? I'm watching Star Trek."

"What the f-... I... Hold on ­ you've seen this episode anyway! It's a repeat, for God's sake!"

"Well... yeah. But it's one of my favourites," Juan replies.

And she's left standing there: embarrassingly bestripped.

An illuminating snapshot of many a relationship five years in. But that's not my point. My point is that I've heard her tell that story many times. If a woman is listening, then that woman will immediately say, "God ­ that's awful. How terrible for you," or, "Oh, Emma. Your self-esteem must have been destroyed. You poor thing."

But, if it's a man there, what is his instant, instinctive reply? Well (for the women reading this ­ the men have the words fidgeting in their heads already), it's always the same thing:

"Hmmm... so - what episode was it?"

That is the difference between men and women.

You may return to your work now.

Mil Millington

To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)